1:09 AM

Nerves and ruins

Warning: This is pretty much a ranting entry-thing! So if you dont like to read rant and that kind of stuff I recommend you to stop reading right now.!



Lately my life have been feeling pretty much worthless.. I have been taking care of a friends apartment and her cats while she have beenon a trip to Australia. I had thought that I got money this month but no. So I have lived on one meal each day the last 20 days.. All have been pasta that I was permitted by my friend to eat while she was away * sigh *
Not enough that I havent any money, the en of last month I got a warning by my out-renter, my rent have gotten higher it seems but I dont know how much and I cant contact my out-renter, + I havent been able to pay the rent for this month so Im so friggin nervous that when I get back to my apartment that I will have gotten a not saying that I have been kicked out >_<
My father have serveral times called me, saying how disappointed he is in me. I still dont know anything about what I will with my future, and tomorrow ( in 11 hours ) I will be at aforced meeting with my case-worker, and Im so scared and nervous about it, that I havent been able to eat anything since I got her call this monday. I have tried serveral times to eat something but no matter how small it is, im ending up in vomitting it up again ><.
I feel disgusting and last week I was in the middle of a drama 2 days before I had been backstapped by two different people about two different things, it might end up me not being able t trust anything. Not the commune, not my friends...

Im wandering around in this world with no goal in my life. being a gum-ball/jumping-ball between the kommune-people. I look around at people around me all more or less in education or know what they want with their life, but I have no idea, and the kommune keep being like " youre not good for education or work, but we will try you out anyway " and it has been like that the last 4 years. Fuck my life.
Im not afraid to admit that I have been thinking about suicide the last week, only think keeping me from doing so was my friends cats and her apartment, the feeling that I was inresponcible  for not taking care of the cats or apartment and instead being a dead body somewhere in her apartment, or near the little lake... People may call me emo or dramaqueen when they read this, but I dont care. I feel like shit. Some trash there shouldnt be here.
And about te meeting tomorrow: of course its in a 'holyday' so I only have money till getting to the meeting, not to get home again or anywhere.. wtf am I gonna do. I know Im gonna get a breakdown anytime now.. So scared and nervous.. just wanna say goodbye to my life. The kommune will never ever learn about me, they will probably just call me lazy, and if I tell about my weightloss I have had lately they will prolly just send me on a place for people with eating disorders...


I want to actually know what I want with my life!! >_<
For the ones who have actually been reading all this crap: congratulation, now youre at the end of one of my emorants and fustrationrants... FML

// Yokume

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